


My Understandings

by Lynxphilia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, BEHOLD THE TEARS, F/F, HYDRA is a dick tbh, Heavy Angst, Hydra, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 15:40:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7321030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynxphilia/pseuds/Lynxphilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never understood why he needed to be alone; whether it was after an grueling mission or intense therapy session. He loved being with you, he did, but there were some demons he needed to face alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Understandings

**Author's Note:**

> HOLY SHIZ GUESS WHO'S TOTALLY SCREWED UP THEIR UPDATING SCHEDULE.. ME. i didn't have a schedule to begin with honestly but I really hope i can update on a semi regular basis....uhg.
> 
> But anyway- please behold tons of angst and self hatred(on Bucky's side *sad face*) I tried to make it fluffy but it all went downhill from there...

You never understood why he needed to be alone, whether it be after a grueling mission that left him bruised and aching for hours on end, after having a therapy/memory session with the psychologist assigned to him. He'd always wanted to be with someone- almost always you- after a nightmare, even when work drew you away from your safe house in upstate Oregon. He always wanted to be with you. 

 

He just flew back from another 'civil dispute' in the cold snow of Russia. Defeating and destroying HYDRA affiliates and intelligence. Bucky Barnes- former Winter Soldier- stood outside on the balcony dressed in his tactile gear still, the only sign of life in him was the soft puffs of his breath turning white in the cold air. A blanket was wrapped around your body as you stood at the screen door in one of his stinky gym shirts. You took a small step onto the patio- the frozen wood sending shivers up your body. But still, you walked forward and just as you neared him, his voice spoke clear and emotionless,

 

"You should be in bed." he looks over his shoulder, seeing you out of the corner of his eye. His dark brown hair fluttering in front of his eyes.

 

"So should you." you retorted, he goes back to looking at the trees surrounding your quaint yet lavish house. You hug him from behind, the metal and other various accents of his gear sending cold chills over your body. He's stiff and tense beneath you, you bury your face into his back and listen to his faint heartbeat. "Come to bed with me.." you whisper, "please." It's true you missed him greatly these past three weeks he'd been gone, the house had felt desolate and cold- empty. Even your work couldn't get your mind of the blue eyed brute in front of you. He'd called of course- twice but honestly- texting you when he'd arrived in the states but obviously forgoing to tell you when he'd arrived at the airport. It took a text from Steve at 1:30 in the morning- telling you that Bucky had left his house. "Don't make me go inside alone," you tightened your hold on him and felt him relax a fraction. "please, Bucky." it was hard to keep the concerned whining girlfriend tone out of your voice. He doesn't say anything but you feel him slump and hold his glove covered hands over yours.

 

"You must be freezing, doll." he states. Taking in your appearance and holding you to his chest. Your head is tucked under his chin as he lifts you onto his hips and carries you back into the house, sliding the glass door closed before locking it. "I'm gonna take a shower, care to join me?" he asks, his voice is gravely and rough from where you're hearing it. You don't speak- simply nod as he turns on the water and sets you on the bathroom counter top. You begin unbuckling and untying his vest as he takes out the various knives and ammo he has concealed in the outfit. You lie the vest and gear on the side and run your hands over his finally bare shoulders, he bends down to untie his boots and you hop off the counter. Your blanket now folded neatly, you begin to take off his shirt, you're left in only a simple cotton pair of panties. Bucky toes off his shoes and takes you in, smiling despite how tired he looks. You walk toward him, taking in the dark circles beneath his eyes, the three weeks worth of stubble slowly forming a beard, the small creases between his eyebrows, you slowly run your hands over his shoulders down his sides and to the front of his pants. Unbuttoning and unzipping them before he takes a hold of them himself and pulling them off along with his boxer briefs. He steps in front of you and sticks his fingers between the elastic band of your panties and your skin, slowly pulling them off and letting them pool at your feet. You take his hand as he helps you into the shower, the water, quite surprisingly, is warm and on a perfect setting. You face toward the spray and let the water run over your hair and face, he steps in behind you and pulls the glass door closed. His arms wrap around you from behind, his chest flush with your back as he helps you both switch places. You feel the tension in him rela with his shoulders drooping and face pointing upward. You turn to face him and grab the shampoo, squirting just enough as he leans out of the spray and into your soapy hands. You coax out tangles and massage his skull, he makes low groaning sound and his hand tighten just a fraction on your bare hips. You smile softly, nudging his head back up under the spray, you help him rinse out the soap before taking the conditioner and combing it through his long locks.

 

"You might need a hair cut soon." You say softly, he hmms,

 

"Just a trim." He murmurs, 

 

"Yes, Sargent." that quirks a small smile of out him, a simple pull of the lips, but to you it was considered a win.

 

-

 

You both lay showered and warm in the giant bed of your share room, your back to Bucky as he gently rubs your exposed skin above your panties with his thumb. You're just on the verge of sleep when he speaks, low and clear-

 

"They always know how to get to me." his thumb doesn't falter but you can hear the quiet fear in his voice, "I though that they were done controlling me....but sometimes, when we come back from a mission and I'm all beat up- for once..." he huffs a quiet laugh, "it reminds me of the 'training' they had him do. The Soldier. He's still there in the back of my mind, I can feel him, like he's watching.....analyzing everything I'm doing. And when I go to therapy, she brings him out- but like, not that he takes control or anything...but he's the one feeding me the words to say- the memories I think of." You've all but stopped breathing, eyes gazing forward unseeing and hand clenched under your head. "And when I get like that, I like to be with you. Because you're the only good thing in my life, you remind me why I put down that gun and blade...when I wanted to kill myself." He swallows thickly, hot, heavy tears welling up in his eyes." You remind me...why I want to keep living." You close your eyes in anguish, you turn back toward him, his hand spanning over your stomach. "But sometimes, I get so mad at him, in my own head, arguing with him and trying to lock him away. Sometimes I get so scared when I think about how mad I am with it, I am afraid I might hurt you. I  _know_ I wouldn't, I could never hurt you.....but what if he does?"

 

 

...

**Author's Note:**

> HI. PLS LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS.....and also pls leave requests. Preferably something with MCU or Bucky(especially Bucky) whether it be angst or smut or fluff. IDC, just something..also, let me know if you want a continuation of this!!!
> 
> Until next time...
> 
> -Lynx


End file.
